I thought I had shed all the tears I had, I thought
I had let go of the pain, but I was wrong every time I killed a man, using the
same method they forced on me, I lose more of myself. The pain never left, the
shame never faded maybe I should just end it all. The killings pacifies
nothing, it just reminds me of what I went through and what am putting myself
through.
The man I
trusted most in my life, the man that made me believe in fairytales showed me
the darkest side of the world and shattered my believes in them. I was eight
years old when he touched me, innocent I thought it was love, pure love,
fatherly love, having known no other love. At thirteen, he did what I never
thought of or expected of him and I never recovered from it that day, for the
first time I wished I had died in the hospital where I was born instead of my
mom. He did not stop there, I became a ball passed from one player to another
and used anyhow. I hated myself, my body. Why did I have a body that attracts
beasts I have never flaunted what I have. Whenever he is done with me, he
accuses me of having a sinful body that makes him molest me, so I started
wearing baggy clothes thinking it would protect me but oh was I wrong it never
stopped him and his friends never stopped coming. One night, he came into my
room to do his usual business but I was prepared when he was ready, I held his
man jewel and cut it off he was surprised, he was expecting something else but
oh boy did I surprise him. He screamed on top of his lungs because I hated his
screams, I shut him up for life; yes, that was how it all started. I killed all
his friends and more, the world is better without them
I have
no friends, no life and about to lose my sanity. On 15th of March 2012,
I was arrested and sentenced to death by hanging I thought I was going to die
the next day I was ready to let go of this wretched life and be free but that
did not happen, it was as if they had forgotten me in the prison cell. For six
months, no one came for me I began contemplating suicide. I woke up on Thursday
afternoon to the sounds of the usual music; the song they were singing today
touched my deepest nature. I felt something wet on my cheeks I touched it to
wipe away whatever it was; when I did, I found out that I was crying, the tears
kept coming and I gave in to them every single drop for every single pain. I
just could not stop crying and whaling my inmates thought I was running mad but
I knew I was not, something was happening to me and it was because of that
song. It was the type of song I hated hearing because it was talking about
love, what I believe does not exist but this particular song had made me
crumble to pieces, it had pulled down the shields I created for myself but it
did not make me feel vulnerable but rather filled me up. The song was about the
purest love I had ever known. So, I stood up asked permission from the warden
to go out and join the people outside. I joined them and I knew freedom, love,
peace and joy.
Today, am
about to close my eyes for good to a better place and that same song that saved
me kept playing in my heart till all I saw was darkness and Light
BY AYANFE
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